9 min read
Starting nursery for the first time — how to make the transition easier
The weeks before a child starts nursery for the first time have a particular quality to them. There's anticipation, some practical preparation, and underneath it all a quiet parental hope: that it goes well, that they settle, that you haven't missed something you should have done. Most children do settle — nurseries are experienced at this, and children are more adaptable than the anticipation makes them feel. But the transition is smoother when you've thought about it in advance rather than arriving at it cold.
This article is for the preparation window: the weeks before nursery starts, the first drop-offs, and the early settling period. If your child is already finding the transition hard and you're looking for help with distress or resistance, the article on toddler nursery anxiety covers that ground more fully.
What young children find hard about starting nursery
It helps to think about what nursery actually involves from a child's perspective. A new building, unfamiliar adults, other children they don't know, routines that are different from home, and a goodbye from you at the door. For a child who has spent most of their time so far in a small, familiar environment with the people they love best, that's a significant amount of newness arriving at once.
What makes nursery manageable — and eventually enjoyable — is familiarity. Not with everything, all at once, but with enough: the face of the key person, the location of their peg, the shape of the morning routine, the knowledge that you always come back. Preparation is essentially the work of building familiarity before the first day, so that fewer things are unknown when the goodbye happens.
Settling-in visits — and why they matter
Most nurseries offer settling-in sessions before a child's official start date, and these are worth taking seriously rather than treating as optional. A child who has been to the nursery once or twice with you present — who has seen the room, met the key person, touched the toys, used the bathroom — arrives on their first real day with a mental map they didn't have before. The building is already the building, not the unknown.
If the nursery offers a home visit first, accept it. A familiar adult arriving at your home is the gentlest possible introduction — your child meets them on safe ground before they have to enter theirs.
During settling-in visits, follow your child's lead rather than engineering enthusiasm. Some children launch straight in; others stay close to you and watch. Both responses are fine. The goal isn't for them to love it immediately — it's for them to begin to know it.
Settling-in sessions typically involve you staying for the first visit, then moving to the edge of the room, then stepping outside briefly, then leaving for a short stretch. Each step is calibrated to how your child is managing rather than following a fixed timetable. If they need more time at a particular stage, that's useful information rather than a problem.
Talking about nursery at home
In the weeks before nursery starts, talking about it simply and positively at home builds a frame for the experience before it arrives. Not relentlessly — a brief, matter-of-fact mention now and then is more useful than going on about it at length, which can start to feel like pressure.
Name the key person if you know them. "Your key person at nursery is called Sarah. She's going to get to know you really well." Having a name to hold is more concrete than "the teachers," and it begins to make the relationship feel real before it exists.
Talk through what the day will look like in simple, sequential terms. "In the morning we'll get ready together and drive to nursery. You'll hang your coat on your peg. Then I'll give you a hug and say goodbye, and I'll be back after lunch." The sequence — and particularly the return — is what a young child needs most from this kind of conversation.
Stories are well suited to this preparation work. A child who has heard a story about a character starting somewhere new — arriving uncertain, finding small things to like, discovering that the person who left always came back — has a shape for their own experience before they've lived it. Eira creates personalised audio stories for exactly this kind of moment, built around your child's specific situation and told through a character at a gentle remove. Some parents play one in the evenings before nursery starts, giving their child something to return to as the first day approaches.
Setting the goodbye up well from the start
The goodbye at the nursery door is the moment that most parents worry about, and it's worth thinking through before you're standing there. A few things consistently make it easier.
Keep it short and confident. A warm hug, your specific return time stated clearly, and then going. "I love you. I'll be back after lunch. Sarah is here." The brevity matters — a long, drawn-out goodbye signals uncertainty, and your child reads that signal closely. Your calm departure is one of the most reassuring things you can offer.
Establish a simple goodbye ritual from the very first session and repeat it every time. A particular hug, a specific phrase, a wave from the door. The ritual gives the goodbye a shape and a clear endpoint, which is settling for a child who is working out what this new thing involves.
Don't slip away while they're distracted. It feels kinder in the moment but makes future goodbyes harder, because a child who didn't see you leave learns to watch for disappearances rather than trusting that goodbyes happen in a particular, predictable way.
Once you've said goodbye, leave — and trust the staff to do their work. Most children who cry at the door settle within a few minutes of a parent leaving. If you're not sure whether your child is settling, ask the nursery to send you a message once they're calm. Most are happy to do this in the early weeks.
What to share with the nursery
The more the nursery knows about your child before they start, the faster they can make them feel known. Their key person will ask questions, but you can go further: their favourite things, the words they use for needing the toilet, what upsets them and what helps, the comforter they rely on, any part of the day that's typically difficult.
A comfort object from home — a small toy, a piece of familiar fabric — is worth sending in, particularly in the first weeks. It's a thread back to the safe place when you're not there, and most nurseries are used to accommodating them.
What the first weeks actually look like
Settling takes time, and the first few weeks are rarely smooth in a straight line. Many children have a honeymoon period — engaged and curious for the first few sessions — and then hit a harder patch as the novelty wears off and the reality of the new routine sets in. Others find it hard from the beginning and gradually improve. Neither pattern is a sign of how things will go in the long run.
Keep home routines as steady as possible during the settling period. A child who arrives at nursery already tired or hungry has significantly less resource for managing the transition. Mealtimes, nap times, and bedtime that mirror the nursery's rhythm make the two environments feel more continuous rather than separate.
Some children find the transition harder than others, and if yours is one of them — if the distress persists beyond the first few weeks rather than settling — the article on toddler nursery anxiety covers in more depth what helps when the transition is genuinely difficult.
Frequently asked questions
How many settling-in sessions does my child need?
It varies by child and nursery, but most benefit from at least two or three sessions of increasing length before their first full session without you. A child who needs more time is not unusual — some children need a more gradual settling period than the nursery's default. If your child seems to need more than the standard offering, it's worth asking the nursery whether additional sessions are possible.
Should I stay or go during the settling-in visits?
The general approach is to stay for the first visit, then gradually reduce your presence over subsequent sessions — moving to the edge of the room, then briefly outside, then leaving for a short time. Follow your child's cues rather than a fixed timetable. Staying too long can make the eventual departure harder; leaving too quickly can increase anxiety. Let the key person guide you on timing if you're unsure.
What if my child seems fine at home but falls apart at drop-off?
This is very common, and it doesn't mean the preparation hasn't worked. The goodbye itself is the hard part for many children, even ones who are happy at nursery once settled. A consistent, brief goodbye ritual — and trusting the staff once you've left — is the most useful response. Checking in with the nursery about how your child is after you've gone often provides reassurance that the transition, though hard at the door, is manageable once it's done.
Should I talk about nursery a lot at home to prepare my child?
Simple, calm mentions are more useful than sustained focus. A brief conversation about what the day will look like, naming the key person, talking through what happens at pickup — that's enough. Talking about nursery constantly can inadvertently communicate that it's a big, uncertain thing that requires a lot of processing, which is the opposite of what you want.
What if my child is still not settled after several weeks?
Speak to the key person about what they're observing and whether any adjustments to the settling approach might help. If your child is persistently distressed rather than gradually easing, it's worth taking seriously rather than waiting for it to resolve on its own. The article on toddler nursery anxiety covers this in more depth, and your health visitor is also a useful first port of call if you're concerned.